CRETIN: /kret'in/, /kree'tn/, n.
Congenital loser; an obnoxious person; someone who can't do anything right

CONCRETIN: /kahn'kret'in/, /kahn'kree'tn/, n.
Cretin who loves to skate concrete

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Back by Popular Demand!

Since this got pushed down out of sight, I'd thought I'd re-post this beauty. You know you love it!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

When Zombies Attack

There be zombies here! Celebrating the need for inclusion, exclusion, and pre-halloween make-up testing, zombies invaded Bardstown Road tonight. Leaving restaurant windows smeared with ghostly images of the undead as they pressed their peeling flesh against them - just to scare the bejeezus out of unsuspecting diners. But sleep in peace, as cute Zombie Killers(at least one) were on the streets as well.

Gimme a kiss!

Brains to go.

I feel safer already.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Surprise Session

Hey, are you sponsored? Damn straight!

Brofo, Mofo, OMP, Steve-O, Wade, Gimpy, Trav
Down Front - Skidzilla, Kidzilla, EB, Nikoli (photo by Lil'Tony)

Well, a Sunday morning session is never a surprise. But a session with EVERYONE certainly was. And for awhile, we OWNED that park. We were all here and accounted for, and only three other non-cretins. OMP surprised us all rolling in after a week long vacation, and heart patient Steve-O had a visit with cam in tow. I was unprepared for a full on session, and had only planned on a short session, since my weekend so far had not gone well. (Din't wanna tempt fate.) But alas, there was plenty of gnar to go around. Thanks for sharing. Ya can't stop us.

Oh, and apparently Mofo has a genetic predisposition to rip as his bro (Evan) skated with us, and ripped, and hasn't skated in over 8 months. Genetic freaks. When the Hubs spawn, their children will be sending sponsor me vids to Riley Hawk. Just hope they drag my kid along on tour with them - at least to shoot video. And of course the kids will need adult supervision...

Do YOU know why Lil'Tony ain't skeered? Bet you don't.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Reality Check

I talk about those great sessions all the time, ya show up, ya rip! Well, today was not one of those days. The skate gods are always watchin' and if ya rip more than your talent level, as I feel I have all summer, they WILL bring you back to reality. I am concrete magnet. First run, full speed ahead, and POW, right in the shallows. No reason. Just POW. I could not stay off the ground tonight. FINALLY after the 4th really good slam, I decided I better pack it up. Being a Friday, all the local rippers began showing up and I really wished I had the cam. Kyle (did you know he owns pants?), Jon, and Dave were all doin' fine. So rather than continue to subject them to my pissy whiny mood and lack of skating, I bolted. I'm sure they'll have more fun at the Shellac show tonight than I will layin' here in pain. It's times like these that I wish I wasn't herb free.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


I'm lookin' to head down for some serious sessioning again this weekend. Anybody who can let a needy 'cretin crash their pad will be awarded all the virgins (and their mothers) they can handle when they go to the Great Skatepark in the Sky. I'm looking to possibly do the whole weekend once again. Who's skatin???

Friday, August 18, 2006

AC/DC anyone?

Concretins have the biggest balls of all.

We love you Skidzilla, but we know you'll never grow up.

Who's Got a Pair? Jon's Got a Pair!

Buy that man a new, bigger pair o' pants - and don't stand too close to him either. I spent Friday nite a week ago listening to Jon flatly state that he just didn't "have enough sack to pull a 50-50 stall back in fakie." But SHEEE-IT, he's got enough sack to drop the vert extension. He's got enough sack to bonk into the 8 foot capsule - which sports AT LEAST a foot o' vert. In my book that's Sack to Spare.

So, next time you are gnar-deficient in any way, give Jon a shout. Maybe he'll hobble over and unleash some on you. Then you can pull that trick you've been belly achin' over for so long.

When I grow up I want somebody to love me enough to paste my face on a picture of a guy with testicular elephantitis!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Freakin' Ramp Virgin...

Skidzilla and I roll to Corydon with fellow ‘crete lover, but still Mofo-ramp virgin Brett (our “Stunt Nathan” from the first LT video). We were stoked to take someone new to Mofo’s crib. We joined a session already in progress with Eric, Trav, and of course Mofo. Now, we knew Brett could skate, he regularly rips up the park, but D A M N ! Mofo had a great night as well, as we weren’t hassling him quite as much since Brett was absolutely destroying the ramp, along with our hopes that we might have a ounce of talent to show off, since we skate the ramp regularly. Let’s see, first time on this ramp and he pulled: bs tail, fs chink chink, bs chink chink(WHAT!), grinds galore, and more pivot combos and stall variations than we wanted to admit were possible. His fluid style allowed him to simply flow right back in even when we thought for sure he was bailing (finally) so we could get a 4 wall run, then wait 20 minutes for our turn again. It was so much fun to watch, but so frustrating simply because “I cant skeet none.”

Mofo was moving at mach2 slippin’ all over the place on the TajMaWall, into fast poked out salad grinds, and buttery smooth sliders. You expect this from the owner, not from someone who just met this ramp. Skidzilla was on as well. Several 5-0s and good pivots, and perfect 270 stall. Everyone was skating MUCH faster than usual. From a pedestrian POV, it may have seemed like a pissing contest, but the commraderie and cheers were shouted for everyone’s hardest trick and best runs, even though none technically came close to Mofo’s and Brett’s. Trav worked the wall and 50-50s. We really cashed in every rebate knowing how long Brett and Kyle’s runs were going to be. And any hesitation when you were up would get you snaked. (Sorry guys.) I was able to land 50-50s, a few 5-0s, and really comfy pivots, but the fs grinds again escaped my grasp. FS is skeery. Then there’s your friendly over 30 “grom,” Eric... he just started skating in May. No, he didn’t start again like so many our age, he JUST STARTED. We’ve watched him learn carves, then drop-in, and get faster every week. He learned tailstalls on the ramp, and then completely out of the blue attempts a rock fakie! We went ballistic! Someone is feeling confident! What was it, his 4th or 5th try and he landed it? A simple trick, but inspiring nonetheless. It was clear that he’ll have rock-n-rolls by the end of the month. Well done Eric! Piss off Brett! (just kidding - no really, piss off)

Eric Rocks

Monday, August 14, 2006

Full moon = Full gnar

It has been a weird feeling week. And suddenly, I looked up in the sky one night and it all became clear why.

Dad is settling into that wonderful depression that is all too common among heart surgery patients. I just don't get it, I'd think anyone who survived that would be ecstatic to be alive. They say it will pass, but the drugs seem to do that to people. BUT, the really good news is that medically, he is doing wonderful! Everything went perfectly. Call him Porkchop - as he now has a swine heart valve. Thanks to all for their thoughts and prayers. Keep 'em coming though, he ain't home yet.

Then, apparently out of the blue, Skidzilla ripped up the Mofos ramp Friday night. Not that I haven't seen him rip (and I wasn't there) but when Jon AND Mofo say he was ON, then he had to be out of control! Saturday AM session was ok, but not memorable for me anyway. Lots of close calls and dodgeball once again. Apparently it was biker day and no one told us. Then Saturday night was chillin' with Skids clan and friends at a garage jam (even if it was kuntry). We even got THE question again! Not a board in sight and someone asked if we were "professional or something?" CONCRETINS RULE! PapaSkid has quite a guitar collection which has inspired me to join Mofo, 'Zilla, and John Cougar, and learn how to play guitar. And it was the first time ever that all 6 'Cretins were in the same place at the SAME time... the pic is forthcoming.

Sunday AM... we roll in to a relatively empty park... ahhhh... gotta love that. I had all the cam gear in tow, but it never left the confines of its baggage. When you're havin' a good session, you just don't sit down - for fear your gnar will disapate... Mofo showed up in FULL GEAR!? Aw damn, game on. I was diggin' my fastest ever speed lines, good airs, and even the occasional locked on 50-50. One of my better sessions for the year... HOWEVER, it was in the air 'cause EVERYONE was ON! And I mean O N !

Kyle was really workin' FS airs and kept those slides goin' on command. I think I even saw long 5-0s from the 6' to the 4', didn't I? (Along with about 20 other lip tricks.) Gimpy and OMP repeatedly piss me off because they hardly ever skate this park yet rip it like they ride it daily! Jon put on a pop-out-manual-on-the-deck clinic. And Paul couldn't keep his BS airs less than a foot above the coping, usually more.

All that and it was still Skidzilla's session... All that guitar playin' on Saturday musta gotta him some good Vitamin P because he was unstoppable. Standard lines in the flow, though a bit faster and smoother right from the start. Then over to the vert ramp to drop in. HUH!? Hell yes! Multiple times! No bails! I had insane gnar envy at this point, but still refused to pummel myself with skatelite even with Mofo's peer pressure. The face bounce I took 2 years ago still echoes in my head when I stand up top. "But we're not through yet!" SkidFo decides if he can do 11' of wood (insert PornoDave joke here), he can do 11' of 'crete - and proceeds to do that without consequence, multiple times. Like Skid and Mo, I skate regularly, I'm creative, but dammit, I can't play guitar... maybe THAT'S it. So I'll try that too.

But, I can't leave out the other serious accomplishments of the day though, Jon dropped in on the halfpipe, but also from the EXTENSION! THEN not wanting to waste that gnar, he ROLLS IN the 9' in the deep end! Hellooo, That's VERT! His cajones swelled so much that we asked him to put on larger pants, as man-cameltoe is grody. OMP found some left over Chris Miller gnar in the pipe and took it to 10:00+ comfortably. I was happy with about 9:15, my highest ever, but damn it'd be easier if they'd patch those holes! I also called "something new" during my run and started a perfect 50-50 stall in the 9', first try, but stepped off because of vaginal irritation. Tried 2 more times but the bails got scarier each time, so I thought I better quit. I capped off my session with a killer doubles run with OMP. It took 10 tries or so, 'cause I kept missing the 50-50, or I was in the way of his air - almost killed him, and me - but damn it was fun! We finally made the line, lead, carve under a 50-50, he leads, carve under his 50-50... PERFECT. (It looks way cooler than it sounds.) I only wish I had slapped his board while he 50-50'd as I did a frontside carve.

So the moral(s) of the weekend is(are)... be thankful for what you have... be glad you're alive... practice all month for the full moon full gnar sessions...

Oh, and "Forget all about that macho sh*t and learn how to play guitar."

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Enjoying life...

That's what it's all about right? If you're not happy, than you're not doing it right.
Saturday started with a decent session with Sickzilla - who was rippin' by the way and you'd never know he was battling back from pneumonia, 'cept for the hacking cough. I was fightin' to have good runs, but enjoyed watching Dave and the Character boys rip up the 'crete. I was taking notes on the cameraman's technique and film positions. Lookin' forward to the vid guys! Went home and watched the X-Games. Rally racing... 2nd place was 1 second behind 1st, only 'cause he ROLLED his car! Crazy. And it was cool that they constantly replayed Pastrana's FMX double backflip and Shaun White's skateboard 1070 bails-he was that close. (He was going for a 1080 - 3 complete rotations). Generally repetition of the same event gets old, but those tricks were so fascinating to watch and down right inspiring - not unlike Hawk's 900 of 1999. (Still one of the greatest moments in my own skate life.)

Saturday night was a pool party with friends I haven't seen in YEARS. Had an absolute blast. (Though I forgot to ask about their health to see if they can make "the list." See previous "Can you make the cut?" post.) We talked about the old days of high school and told life-since-then stories. I would have liked an "empty pool" party, but I don't think everyone else would have appreciated that kind of jam as much as I. I drank too many beers and smoked too many cigarettes, but avoided the hurl. Never even an urge. Quite surprising really, but don't think I'll be tempting fate that much again any time soon. Thanks Hoag! We had fun. See you again soon!

Can you spot the Concretin?

Sunday morning service session... Trav, Binley, Wade, Mark, Skid, Me, and Mofo... full on session. Everyone was rippin', even if Wade felt like he was forcing it, he was doin' it right. I tried to watch him and learn as I am STILL fighting to hold 50-50s on the cope... grrrr... but my speed lines were FAST. And good ole Mofo... was sliding rail slides farther and smoother than I've ever seen. From the 6' section far into the 4' shallows. Had to be a 12' slide, at least. Bastard. There was some serious "Dodgeball" going on. (Dodgeball = some oblivious rugrat, or some really stupid adult drops in on you in the middle of your run. "I didn't hit him, that's all that matters." NO dumbass, what matters is did you learn anything! Stay outta the way. The dude was 40-something, come on!) I figured I had sweated out the beer reminants and headed home. A shower and nap lead right into the X-Games tv coverage. Ahhhh... Life is good.

Warm kitty snuggles did make it difficult to stay awake, particularly during the MotoX race, but the MegaRamp comp definitely kept me wide awake! Bob Burnquist pulled an insane SWITCH backside 180 OLLIE, which was made literally using just his toes to keep the board in position. And Bucky pulled a H U G E heelflip, which he was bailing after the grab, but then decided he could still make it, and DID! Of course Danny Way pulled off the win - he'd have to bail everything to not win. But a rocket air back flip can't hurt his case. But we learned that Danny has some SERIOUS competition coming, as if Bob wasn't already. But Bob just purchased 7 adjacent acres to his "compound" on which he is constructing his own personal MegaRamp. Look out world... the Burnquist farm is cultivating Gnar...

Saturday, August 05, 2006

I think he IS sponsored

I couldn't bring myself to ask him, and I thought it would have been funnier to send Kidzilla in for the question of all questions, but all indications are that Chicago transplant, Ward, is sponsored by Character skateboards.

He was out Saturday morning with film crew, Peter and Bill, and ripping some serious lines including a most enviable lay-back revert. Rock on, Ward, and let the Concretins know when the video hits the streets - or burn us a copy if it never makes a full cinematic release.

Look for Character stickers plastered everywhere near Chicago. We laughed when we eyed one stuck on the toll booth headin into Chi-town last month.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Alright Dammit...

Warning: Non-skate post... but necessary to vent a bit o' apprehension...

What the hell? The chloesterol gods apparently are really pissed. 2 months ago, my Step Mom has a heart attack. Last week, Steve-O joins the club... Now my Dad is attempting to join the ranks. But he's just got a "bad valve" so the surgeons are actually gonna try to keep him off the membership list. But hell, open chest surgery is open chest surgery. Heart attack or no, you still get a gnarly scar to take home! (A rib spreader isn't a utensil you get when you sit down to dinner at Chili's.) I told him he should finally get a tattoo... a zipper on his chest... (How does an ex-firefighter, ex-navy dude get to be 65 without a tattoo anyway?)

SO... keep the thoughts, prayers, and chi a flowin'. Just send 'em to the 3rd floor of Baptist East. There'll be plenty a heart up there who needs it. And it'd be nice if a plethora of well wishes is waiting for ME when I make my trip on the gurney... it's inevitable... 'Cause I'm gonna go home now and have a boloney sandwich with a side of hotdog, smoke a cigarette, and have a beer. Hey honey, how about steak for dinner? With french fries? Yea, that'd be good...

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Back In OH

Hatteras waves - Check

The SHITTIEST (but fun) miniramp I have ever skated - Check

Nag's Head, NC Grindline park - Check


Vacation is over. Good times were had. More good times to come in this midwestern Land of Crete.

Was startled by the news about Steve, but upon further reading looks to be just a minor bump in the road. You are a Trooper Steve-O. Be skating with you all soon (picking party weekend most likely).

Tranny Love

Tuesday, August 01, 2006


Most of you probably try to think of reasons to NOT go to your inlaws family reunion... a 4 hour drive is generally the only reason I don't wanna go to Alice's. But throw in a skatepark, and I'll even overlook that. Throw in a KICK ASS park, and I'll be there every year! (Not to mention excellent small town home cooked sustenance.) But we really shouldn't travel that far to see someone who lives 10 minutes away... Sorry Kim, Sorry Leigh, we'll come see ya in town soon.

Fort Wayne, Indiana has poured some serious transition people. With my lack of quick adaptation skate skills, I completely wasted this work of art. Only a single bank kickflip, 50-50, and I found one good speed line in the deep end, in an hour of skating. As frustrating as that was, I still had fun. I tried to imagine what other 'Cretins would be trying and tried to get stoked on that, but alas, I simply couldn't get anything wired. But it was not at all because of lumps, or bad coping. Everything was smooth and waiting - and laughing at my tiny bag o' gnar. Damn, I'm old.

It doesn't matter if you're old school, street rat, vert dog, new school, or no school (like me)... this park has it all. Curved planter with metal edge that you can hit fs or bs? Check. Training rail? Check. Planters, big banks with a flat rail(no slope), mini bowls? Check, check, check. Step-up or Euro Gap? Check. Big 10' tranny and pockets, with an extension, 6' mini with a spine? Check, check, check. (Enough already, they got it.) This park warrants a roadtrip all on it's own. And next time up, I hope to have more than an hour to learn the lines. And more peer pressure. Skating with grom, Dakota, was fun, but "You did a kickflip on THAT?!" (referring to my big ass board)wasn't funny... ok, yea it was. I'll be back Hoosiers. No doubt.

O L D 'Cretin. New 'Crete.

Smart Grom - taking advantage of an empty park.



I have not enough spine for this one. Yet.