CRETIN: /kret'in/, /kree'tn/, n.
Congenital loser; an obnoxious person; someone who can't do anything right

CONCRETIN: /kahn'kret'in/, /kahn'kree'tn/, n.
Cretin who loves to skate concrete

Friday, September 01, 2006

Orchidometry - Know Before You Go

Great things pop up on your screen when do an image search on Google for "big balls." The sky is the limit: from wholesome enormous inflatable child playthings to our good friend below sporting the biggest volume of semen build-up on record.

Best of all you learn new things. Prior to searching for the owner of a set of giant testicles to paste Jon's face across, I never knew about Orchidometers. The 2-D version is pictured, but in reality, they are a set of 12 wooden orbs used to determine if the wedding tackle is the appropriate size for the stage of life. They even have a neat-o nick-name (many, actually, but my favorite is): Endocrine Rosaries. Stuff that in your Pope and smoke it. The vatican must be proud.

The use of the rosary for developmental study is fine, but my question is this: can I pack this to the park and determine if I am sporting sufficient gnar to achieve the next level? For example: with this device, could I have known not to waste my time trying to carve over the hole in the wall at Whiting, IN by measring up beforehand? Can Nick bring this to the park and determine if the day is right to bonk into the six because he is sporting some extra size? Can I visually measure the shrinkage from dropping in on the 8' to dropping in on vert?

Anyway, I'm starting my study tomorrow with a laminated chart. If I measure up, I might try something new.

When I grow up I hope I still find weiner jokes funny.


  • At 6:47 AM, Blogger Nikoli said…

    LMAO!! You kill me Skidzilla! I was about to scream STOP WITH THE BIG BALLS crap (ok, I did scream it in my head), but then you had me at Endocrine Rosaries. But please cut a hole in your pocket so I don't have to witness your size verification. I gotta say, it was disheartening to realize when skating, I'm testicularly a 6 year old.

    That is damn funny stuff Dave. But I think part of the definition of growing up includes NOT finding weiner jokes funny. And by THAT definition, no male sporting "size 14" endocrine capsules will ever grow up.


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